Upset!

This isn't a happy post.  I'm pretty angry.  Confused too.  You would think that with all my knowledge and faith in the Plan of Salvation that I would be able to understand death.  I hate it.  Sure, for old people I can handle it, but not for the rest of us.  I don't know if it is because of social networking and people talking about their grief that I'm maybe more aware, or if more people are actually passing away these days.  Gene and I went to 5 funerals last year.  One so far this year.  My Uncle Dan, who was really the only uncle on my dad's side that I know is passing away from bladder cancer.  My next door neighbor, who is in her young 30's has stage 4 cancer and her chemo isn't working.  I'm losing my friends.  My friends are losing parents.  I lost my sweet dog, Lucy, 3 1/2 weeks ago.  I just can't take it.  I'm wondering what is happening on the other side.  What does Heavenly Father have planned?  Why is he building his army so rapidly?  Who is next?  What is going to happen?  This makes me want to keep my family home and never leave the house.  My heart is so broken for everyone right now.  It's no way to live, being sad about something you can't control.  My dad was telling me yesterday, as we were talking about his brother, that this is part of life.  There is a time to mourn.  But we just have to live happily until it is our time to go.  I try not to be angry, but I am.  I wish people could just stay longer.  I'm tired of people being taken too early.


UPDATE:  Uncle Dan passed away today June 27, 2013 around 2:00PM.  He was 62.

Grateful for a Beautiful Life

I always seem to start my posts with "Wow, it's been a while!"  I mean, it's true, but I really suck at this blogging thing.  I'm not going to update too much on our life...it would take way too long.  But, since our last post, we had another baby.  Her name is Paige, she is now 2 years old.  She is pure sunshine and a perfect person to have in our family.  Ethan is 5, Sydney is 3.

I guess I'm posting because I was given a challenge to post everyday for one year about things I am grateful for.  As much as I like that idea, I know that's never going to happen.  However, I do feel very grateful for a lot of things, so I am going to kind of sound off about a few experiences that I've had and kind of go from there.

Last year was a hard one.  Beyond hard.  The hardest year of my life up to this point.  Our mortgage was too high, my mom and grandma were on the verge of homelessness, Gene's job was going downhill, it was just one thing after another.  It's safe to say that I'm so glad the year is over.  Ecstatic even.  Everyone keeps telling me that I've done well.  "You endured!" they say.  I wish I could say that was true.  I mean yeah, I got through it, but not with a good attitude.  That is something that I feel shame over.  It hurts to think about it.

Trying to solve everyone's problems, we decided to have mom and grandma move in with us.  The moving process was no fun.  Grandma and Grandpa were some serious paper hoarders.  Paper everywhere.  I can't even put it into words.  But nonetheless, we got everything moved.  The first few weeks were fine.  Everyone was adjusting to the new situation.  Our family moved downstairs while our new housemates lived upstairs.  Of course, after a while things got more uncomfortable.  Two families trying to live together is never easy.  There was some fighting...alright, a lot of fighting.  Gene and I were ready to move out.  It was bad.  After things had calmed down a bit, something happened to me...

I was making a nighttime snack around 9PM.  I was hitting the lights and getting ready to head downstairs when I was literally stopped where I stood.  I had a thought, "Go kiss your Grandma and tell her you love her."  I used to do that every night when they first moved in.  Once things got more settled in, I kind of stopped doing it.  I thought to myself "It's 9PM.  Grandma goes to bed at 6.  I'll just talk to her tomorrow."  I took a few steps toward the stairs.  One again I was stopped.  This time the "thought" came to me as a demand.  "GO KISS YOUR GRANDMA AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER!"  So, I figured, what could it hurt?  I could use a visit with my grandma.  If she's awake, I'll say goodnight to her.  I went in.  She was awake.  We visited a few minutes.  She told me how much she loved my kids.  She had said that Ethan had splashed her with water that day and she didn't like it.  She was trying to help me with suggestions on how to control him a little better.  Not rude like, just trying to help.  We wrapped up the conversation and I leaned in to hug and kiss her.  I told her I loved her.  I stood up and she took my hand. I visited a few minutes longer.  I said I love you again.  I went to let go of her hand when she looked directly into my eyes and said "I love you too."  She held onto my hand a few seconds longer and I left the room.  That was the last time I ever talked to my grandma.  The next morning she had a stroke.  That whole week was awful.  Hospice had already been coming for about a month.  Now they were coming everyday.  She slept and slept and slept.  Two days later, she had another stroke.  Hospice would give us a time frame of how long she would be with us.  Everyday her organs would be shutting down even more.  I never wanted to leave her.  I would wait on pins and needles to hear her next breath.  I was terrified to go to to bed.  That Thursday I had some time alone with her.  My mom never left her side and was in need of a shower.  I sat with grandma.  I told her how I loved her.  I told her I was so happy to have her in my home.  I thanked her for every piece of advice she'd ever given me.  I apologized for the contention in my home.  I thanked her for every story she'd ever written, every comic strip she cut out.  My heart ached.  I sat there and just talked.  I sobbed with her almost lifeless hand against my cheek.  I thanked her for loving me.  For loving my family.  I thanked her for being such a wonderful example to me. I asked her so say "hi" to my grandpa and take care of my old dog for me.  I knew she wasn't going to be with us much longer.  Friday came and she was still here.  But, today was the day.  She would leave us.  I arranged for my kids to stay at the in-law's.  I got the day off from doing daycare.  I knew this was it.  Family came and went all day long.  I didn't eat much, but at lunchtime I had to have something.  As I was preparing my food, I looked over to the doorway of the kitchen.  There in the doorway was a man dressed in white.  Perfectly groomed grey hair, crisp line down his pants, white shoes, white tie, white belt.  What I believe to be a spirit in my home to be with my grandma as she left her mortal body.  He was there for one short second and then he was gone.  At two o'clock we all came together and gathered around grandma.  Her breathing was 30-40 seconds between breaths.  It was the longest and shortest seven minutes of my life.  She breathed in one last half breath.  At 2:07 she peacefully left this earth with her hand in mine.

My heart is still broken.  I've been sobbing even writing this.  However, with all of these experiences, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father.  I hadn't been sure I had ever felt the Holy Ghost before.  I know that those "thoughts" I had about telling Grandma goodnight were promptings of the Holy Ghost.  I know I saw and angel of the Lord in my home.  We have been so blessed.  It was through the power of the gospel and Holy Priesthood that I've been able to feel comforted in my grieving.  I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation.  I know I will see her again. I am so grateful for her and her beautiful life. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God.  I am so thankful for President Monson, our true and living prophet.  I feel bad that it took the passing away of my dear Grandma to explode my testimony of the gospel, but that's how it's worked out.  I guess I owe that to her too.

So there it is.  Something I'm grateful for.  To finish the story, Mom moved to Colorado.  She got approved for disability, so now she'll have some income.  We were afraid we were losing out home, but we are in the middle of a loan modification.  Gene is still employed but is looking for a new job.  We have some promising leads.  My life rocks.  God is good.

Zoo Day

I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. Honestly though, you all should expect that from me. :) Anyway I thought I'd post some pictures of our trip to the Hogle Zoo. Right now the zoo has a "Zoorasic Park" thing going on. That means that there were dinosaurs all around the zoo. Ethan thought it was pretty cool. The big T-Rex was a little bit scarry for Sydney though. Paige was a little smunchy pumpkin and was happy all day.

Yes, I know!

Yes, I know. It's been a long time. Last post, Sydney just started crawling. Well, now she's 18 months old and is a happy, running toddler who is going to start nursery at church on Sunday. So, since it's been so long, I will update you on everything that is going on.

Gene started working the graveyard shift at Sapp Brothers. It's amazing how much he has learned. He is a very knowledgeable mechanic. Of course, I always knew this, but as far as diesel mechanics go, he can do anything. Not only are things moving along for him at work, but he also started school at Salt Lake Community College. He is studying for his Fitness Technician degree, but he has really been enjoying his mechanic stuff. So, only time will tell what he decides to go with. I support him any way he wants to go. :)

Ethan is now in Sunbeams at church. My big boy is now in Primary. It just breaks my little heart. He is getting so big! So big, and so funny! I cannot believe some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Just the other day he told me "Call my assistant." when I asked him what he wanted for lunch. Very clever. We have a full blown boy. Last month he got his first set of stitches. He was running and tripped. He smacked into a bucket and got a huge gash above his right eye. Although he is totally healed up now, he will still talk about it and show you his scar. Very tough!

Sydney is big too. Everyone always says how fast they grow, they are right. It's interesting to see how smart she is. She learns so fast by watching her brother. It's truly amazing. It seems that all she ever wants to do is play with Ethan. Not only play with him, but also play with what he's playing with! Lot's of fighting between the siblings. Of course she's not always the one who causes it. :) It seems she is getting to the age where she doesn't want to nap anymore. This is getting hard on me. Thankfully she stays happy most of the day.

Now to me. Well, there's not much to say other than I'm about to pop with baby Paige. 32 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling pretty good, just tired. I'm looking forward to having another little bundle of fun in our house. I know I already have my hands full, but I can handle it, and it's fun. My life actually feels like it has meaning to it. As tired as I am, I am happy to make the meals, clean the house, kiss owies and drive to Walmart twice a day. These kiddies are my life!

I'd say that's about it. Life as usual in the Stewart house. Thanks for reading!

Yay Sydney!

This will just be a short post. Before I lost the chance to write this quickly, I wanted to announce that our little Sydney is now crawling! It took some time, but she's got it down. She just crawled across the living room floor for the first time. Prior to this new form of mobility, she has just been scooting and rolling. But no more of that folks. The little girl has places to go...in a hurry!

Easter 2010

Easter sure came early this year! It was a very low key holiday for us this year. We were so busy with family stuff that we forgot to do Easter baskets until bedtime! We mostly spent time with family. We headed over to Grandma Bradford's house first. We had a nice, relaxing time over there for a few hours. Then later, we went to Grandma Coleman's house. The whole family was there. We had some food and visited for a while. Ethan participated in the annual backyard Easter Egg Hunt. Grandma Coleman makes sure that hunt happens every year. I'm always a little apprehensive about having my kids participate, (her backyard isn't the safest) but Ethan actually seemed to enjoy it. I think he liked the candy even more! I think next year Ethan will be able to understand more about the holiday and it's traditions. I gotta say, life is so much more fun with kids. Sydney sitting with Grandma Stewart Ethan found some toys in Grandma Coleman's yard. He found an egg!

We're Now Eternal

The big day came on March 27, 2010. We became an eternal family. Yippie! Gene and I both got our Endowments in the morning, then later we all got sealed as a family. Obviously I can't really talk much about it, but I can say that it was beautiful. Our children looked ADORABLE all in white. When our kids were getting sealed to us, Ethan kept saying "Stuck, stuck!" while his hand was on top of ours. Sydney looked like an angel. All smiles...like always. What a wonderful day. Now I get to have my favorite man and my sweet babies forever!